50shadesofbrave

Over the past year I have worked hard to shed weight and improve my fitness, a by product of which has been finding that upon unpacking my summer clothes from their storage bags, many (most?) were now too big. It’s not a bad problem to have… but it does necessitate some action. My choices as I saw it were to get out my sewing machine (unlikely), take a selection of items to the local alterations lady (expensive), or head to the shops in search of some new attire (also potentially expensive, but way more fun!). And so it was that I booked a ‘wardrobe refresh’ appointment with a personal stylist at John Lewis in Cardiff (https://www.johnlewis.com/our-services/personal-styling) with the aim of finding a few new items to save me from the sewing machine!

These one-hour appointments are free. It’s not the first one I’ve done, but the first for a few years and the first in Cardiff. I definitely learned from the first time that arriving with an open mind is the way to make the best of the appointment. I was met by Jessie and shown into the spacious changing room. My supposed open-mindedness was immediately challenged upon spotting a pair of wide leg jeans (I seldom wear jeans) and a sleeveless top (a total no-go in my mind for countless years). It took some persuading for me to try on the top…

We worked our way through the initial selection of trousers, tops, dresses and skirts. Some were put on the ‘maybe’ pile, others dismissed and returned to stock. Having assessed what she had seen, Jessie selected additional pieces and this iterative process continued for the full hour. Finally I was left with around 8 or so items that I liked, so I played around with mixing and matching those in order to make up my mind which, if any, to buy.

At this point, Jessie took on something of a different role. As I stood in front of the mirror, it became clear that I wasn’t really ‘appraising’ the outfits, I was scrutinising … unkindly… my whole appearance. I stood, I turned to one side, then to the other, I angled the mirrors to allow me to examine myself from every conceivable angle. Arms: too flabby; belly: too big; bum: not pert enough… and so it went on. Even items I had started off positive about were in danger of relegation back to the shelves. Until Jessie intervened. Pulled me up, in fact. Who, she asked, apart from myself, would look at me in such a critical way? What exactly was I seeing that was so terrible? ‘You need to start being a bit kinder to yourself,’ she told me… That comment made me stop and think.

I really do have a propensity for self-criticism. Particularly around my appearance. My body image isn’t great – a lot of that arising from persistent cruel comments from my father during my childhood and adolescence. In fact, during my adulthood too! I find it very difficult to see past my ‘flaws’ and carry myself with confidence in terms of how I look. And Jessie was probably right – being a bit kinder to myself would not go amiss.

So… what happened next? Well, I bought the jeans… and I bought the sleeveless top!! I figured if I got them home and their approval rating wasn’t great (either from myself or friends/family), I could always take them back. But a month on, I haven’t done that: I have actually worn both items on several occasions… and received some very nice compliments, which I have endeavoured to accept graciously!! I still look at myself and wonder whether I really ‘should’ be stepping out in wide-leg jeans / sleeveless tops… but as well as working hard to continue to improve my fitness and shape, I am now also working hard to silence those gremlins. And occasionally even tell myself that I look good!

Moral of the story? #bekind (to yourself) 🩷