Within the past 3 weeks, I have lost two aunts. But more importantly, my Mum has lost both of her elder sisters leaving her as the eldest surviving of her siblings with her younger brother (who lives in Eire).
My Mum and her eldest sister didn’t see a lot of each other; this sister lived in Staffordshire since relocating there in the 70s for her husband’s work. But they spoke on the phone most weeks. Mum was close with her other sister. They lived only a few miles apart, holidayed and day tripped together many times, and in days gone by jointly entertained their children and grandchildren with Christmas parties and silly games. I remember many stories told by my Mum of the mischief they got up to together as kids.
This week saw a funeral in Staffordshire, and one in Cardiff will follow not far behind. My Mum is quite shaken and disorientated by the events of the last few weeks. Her generation of family halved in less than a month. I have tried to imagine how it must feel, and I struggle to empathise. I do feel for my cousins, who now have neither of their parents. I know that this is coming my way too… and I don’t know what that will look like.
I don’t have a relationship with my only sibling. We had a precarious relationship in childhood, didn’t always see eye-to-eye in early adulthood, had several periods of not talking, before an estrangement that feels pretty permanent took hold 9 years ago at the time of my divorce. As I have thought about the passing of my two aunts, I have wondered how I would feel if I lost my sister, and whether I would even want to go to her funeral… or indeed whether she would want to be at mine. I don’t think so. I have also wondered how on earth the two of us will cope when the time comes for our own parents to ‘shuffle off this mortal coil’ – As my one cousin related how she and her brother and sister had spent their Mum’s last few days together with her, I thought of the awkwardness and unpleasantness of trying to share end-of-life of either of my parents with my sister, or to make sure they are remembered in a way that works for both of us. Or for them… It feels unmanageable, unbearable and inevitable.
I am sad to say that my way of coping with this is to withdraw more and more. I already know that I won’t be able to put up a fight for what I think is right – easier to say nothing, think nothing, and try to feel nothing. I envy people in close-knit families, because mine is a bloody minefield.
50shadesofbrave 