50shadesofbrave

Cath and I first met when our ages were single digits. We were in Rhiwbeina Infant and Junior schools together until the age of 9 when my family moved to Radyr. Reminiscing about junior school, we shared memories of having a classroom in some ‘huts’ at the end of the school playing field and having to run the length of the field to get to the nearest toilets… it would never be allowed these days! After my move, we went on to different secondary schools and lost touch, until many, many years later when ‘six degrees of separation’ kicked in and through the wonders of Facebook, me becoming friends with the wife of someone I was at secondary school with, all via my next door neighbour, led to us ‘finding’ one another again… Complicated? Yes, but you get the picture (even if you had to read it several times!)

Anyway… let’s talk about what has happened in the meanwhile.

Cath lives in a quintessential English countryside village between Warwick and Stratford-upon-Avon. Geographically, she tells me this is definitely not where she thought she would be, as she has no connection to the area apart from her husband’s job. This turns out to have been a recurrent feature of Cath’s adult life. She met husband Steve through South Glamorgan Youth Choir whilst they were still at school, and his career has driven moves both within and outside the UK, including 19 years spent living in the USA. Cath tells me that the move to America came at a time when they both had ‘itchy feet’, and the offer of a 12-18 month stint in Connecticut held great appeal. They rented out their house in Nottingham, and with their 10-year old daughter in tow, off they went. One year became two, became three, until a more permanent job and residence offer materialised and they took the decision to lay down roots. Cath describes this as one of the big decisions of her life, especially given that she was an only child with two ageing parents who missed their daughter and granddaughter.

Cath’s own career had to go on hold for much of the time they were in the States, firstly because she didn’t have the type of visa that permitted her to work, and then because frequent returns to the UK to care for her parents in their twilight years meant that she couldn’t commit to a job. She describes how during this period she felt like she ‘lost a bit of identity’. There was also the question of a number of relocations across states – Connecticut to Salt Lake City, to Atlanta, and back to Connecticut. In total, she has moved 11 times since getting married, and she relates in particular the move from Salt Lake to Atlanta, which saw her drive four days and thousands of miles across the USA with a friend in the front seat and two dogs in the back seat for company. She describes discovering a community of people in each location through ‘newcomers’ groups, and this was the source of some amazing close friendships with people often experiencing the same ‘displacement’ as herself. She tells me about the necessity of getting together as friends to celebrate occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas when family were on another continent, and how that was very different, but always great fun. She also started volunteering – in local hospices and with local women’s groups – something which ultimately gave her new skills that led to employment as a volunteer manager herself. Not what she envisaged growing up… Cath tells me that when she was very little, she wanted to be a nurse – an idea that was put to bed after a visit to a hospital with a friend’s mum and the realisation that she was far too squeamish! She also considered following in the footsteps of her own mum into teaching, but that never came to fruition either (a lucky escape if you ask me!).

When I asked Cath, ‘Would you do it again?’, she tells me she doesn’t know. There was clearly a lot about her time in the States that she enjoyed, and some strong and lasting friendships have come out of it. She loved the experience of living in a different country, and she and her husband took the opportunity to see as much of the country as possible while they were there – something she says gave her the experience of many different climates and settings, if not the cultural aspect associated with Europe. But clearly the distance from family, which is now the same but in reverse as her daughter is married and has started a family back in the States, is something that didn’t always sit comfortably for her.

A bit more travel, both within Europe and further afield, is certainly something she wants for the future. South Africa is on the hit list, as are Australia and New Zealand. But she says that for now, she feels a little in limbo, as although she has retired from paid work, she’s still waiting for her husband to take that step himself. She talks about being in something of a ‘holding pattern’ at the moment, supporting her husband as he gets to a point where he feels prepared for retirement, whilst at the same time feeling that she’s ready for greater freedom and to put her own wants and needs at the forefront. We agree that the world seems more accessible for travel nowadays, but also talk about how long that will remain given the current political and environmental climate. She tells me that in her 40s and 50s, she definitely felt the world had become a better place, but now she worries about what the future holds for her grandchildren and about what of the world will even be left for them to experience. We touch on the impact of COVID, and Cath relates how it affected her and her husband, who having just moved back to the UK to be closer to her husband’s parents, found they couldn’t even get from England to Wales to visit them due to restrictions on movement. We agree that the impact on our own children has been significant, in terms of education and ‘socialisation’, particularly in the workplace.

We talk a little about 60^th celebrations. Cath’s husband whisked her away and she didn’t even know the destination until they got to the boarding gate! It turned out to be a trip to Vienna, with a multitude of amazing experiences planned by hubby. She has also been treated to afternoon tea by friends, and has a week away in the Yorkshire Dales to come. Cath is clear that turning 60 is something that has brought some trepidation with it. She has a feeling of seeing ‘the other side of the hill’ that wasn’t something she felt at 40 or 50. She cites many friends who have experienced health problems after 60, or who didn’t even make it that far, and she is conscious that staying active and looking after herself physically is something she wants to commit to going forward. Self-care comes up again, and Cath acknowledges that for much of her life she has put the needs of others before her own. This leads her to one of the pieces of advice 60-year-old Cath would give her younger self – ‘you can’t solve everyone else’s problems!’ She would counsel her younger self to ‘take time for yourself’ and ‘don’t tie yourself down too early’. Her other piece of advice would be to be more adventurous – ‘seize every opportunity’, she says… Although by the end of our conversation, I’d have to say it sounded to me as if she did this anyway.