50shadesofbrave

Back in September 1984, I moved into Henry Wood House in Camberwell, London – a shared hall of residence for students at the music colleges of London. My tiny room (as in so tiny I could only play my flute facing in one direction as it would otherwise hit the wall) was in the attic, and my next-door-neighbour was Alison, a viola player studying at the same college as me. Thankfully we hit it off. Our adventures during that year were many, varied and sometimes ill-advised, but we have remained friends since. Her husband was even the organist at my wedding 😊 We don’t catch up all that often anymore, since she relocated to Connecticut with her family over 25 years ago. So, the opportunity to catch up during this Turning 60 conversation was very welcome.

Alison is the youngest of 6 siblings, so within her family turning 60 wasn’t exactly anything momentous. She describes the approach to the big day as ‘like the Sunday evening before the new week starts’ – a sense of anticipation, but also the knowing that you can’t hold it back. She was clear that she doesn’t want this milestone to be the ‘gateway to decrepitude’ and voiced how she wants to muster up the courage to remain active and avoid her future life descending into irrelevance. (I’m not sure I can see that happening…) To celebrate, friends threw her a secret dinner party on the Friday after her birthday, and the fact that her adult children chose to attend was a gift to treasure – something I can definitely relate to.

We agreed that when we were younger, 60 seemed ancient! Back then we would have been retiring at 60, but goalposts have been moved, and there is the small matter of mortgages to pay off and work still to be done. She admits that neither physically nor mentally is she where she thought she would be at this age. Much as she would like to be retired and have the time to devote to creative projects (she is not only a musician, but also bakes, knits and paints amongst other hobbies), she knows the time is not right… after all, there are bills to pay! But work can be stressful – she’s administrator-in-chief of Salt Marsh Opera, a role in which she not only takes responsibility for keeping spreadsheets and databases up-to-date, but also for education liaison with local schools.

I laughed at Alison’s response to my question about what she had wanted to be when she grew up – ‘a fairy, or a magician’… every little girls dream. But she sort of ‘fell’ into music – in her words because she was ‘crap at everything else’. She recounts how she feels much of life has been lived with her consciousness out of gear, just going through the motions – She left school not having liked it, and didn’t feel she made the most of music college, but later on in life she has realised that she actually loves learning, and music!

We talked for a while about the moments that have shaped life, or changed its direction. Of course, moving to America was one of the most significant things for her. But she also felt something of a ‘step change’ when her Mum got breast cancer and ended up in nursing care. At around the same time, the family home in Hull was flooded, and overexertion in attempting to rescue belongings from the house led her Dad to suffer a heart attack. Alison ended up coming back to the UK, where for a month the two of them lived in a caravan while things got back on an even keel. It was clear that this experience affected her profoundly. As a child, her relationship with her Dad was strained – he could politely be described as forceful and overbearing, and this had led to long periods of not talking to one another. So, no-one in the family understood why, at the age of almost 50, she chose to spend this time caring for him. ‘I saw how vulnerable he was’, Alison told me. This period gave the two of them time to talk, and Alison told me how her Dad told the story of an event from the past, of which he ‘misremembered’ certain less pleasant details. She challenged him on it, and he (rather unexpectedly) apologised for his behaviour… It was a moment where Alison realised that this acceptance didn’t change her world like she thought it might have. It showed her that she’d actually got over his ‘awfulness’ and was able to forgive him and just see him as the old man that he was. When he died in 2015 Alison relates how she was able to remember the good stuff and forget the bad. As the daughter of an overbearing father, I wish I could find the way to forgiveness and acceptance – it would certainly be much cheaper than the ongoing raft of therapy!!!

Moving on to something less deep…

We started talking about things Alison still wants to do in life, and this led her to tell me about her adventures in running. Having last year managed a sub-50-minute 5k myself, I am mightily impressed that Alison has run a number of marathons in the last 5 years! It all started with a family challenge to do the Yorkshire Three Peaks after her Mum died, and she found that she actually enjoyed the training. This morphed into running – shorter distance events at first, but always with an eye on the stats! She has run the New York, Philadelphia, Hartford, and Marine Corps (Washington D.C.) marathons, with a best time of 5 hours 4 minutes, so the goal of breaking the 5 hour barrier is tantalisingly close. We had a laugh at her suggestion that bladder control could be the deciding factor 😂 Not only does she have ambitions for herself as a marathon runner in her 60s, but she also told me how improving her own form could allow her to lead a blind runner round one of the marathons – something she’d love to do.

Similarly to my previous two interviewees, the internet and the rise of technology was cited by Alison as one of the most significant changes to the world we now live in. We agreed how sad it was that the internet had become so clogged with evil, when it had such potential to be a force for good. And the immediacy of communication has spread through everything. Even though we tend to romanticise our childhoods as nice, innocent times, it’s clear that 24/7 media have changed things for today’s children and young people.

And so to the question of advice from 60-year-old Alison to her younger self… Firstly, a clear message of ‘JUST DO IT!’ Stop looking for excuses, stop procrastinating, stop being fearful – better to go for it and say you did your best… and actually you’ll probably find you can cope in most situations. Secondly, remember gratitude – be grateful for the opportunities to do stuff, to learn stuff and to use your limbs, as there may come a time when you can’t.

And finally, start running sooner! 🏃🏼‍♀️ 🏃🏼‍♀️